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Out with the Aughts


This has been quite a decade for me... completion of two degrees and nearing the end of a third; two study abroad summers; three other European trips; marriage; first college and university teaching jobs; move to the city; and lots more. I'm happy with the first ten years of the millennium overall.

This year, my resolution is to be more patient. With others, with myself, with situations, with plans, with goals, with God, with the crazy world around me. Patience always creates peace for me, so I'm going to strive for it. And you know what they say about praying for patience...

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Dreams and Dreaming

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing."
--C. S. Lewis


We've had several friends get engaged lately, and it's got me reminiscing about the gift of falling in love, the time when you both figure out you're to be together forever, and the time leading up to making that commitment. I have always been a dreamer and I'm glad my husband is too. In the almost 2 years leading up to our marriage, we shared our dreams and hopes and goals with such wonder and excitement.

I told Eric about my dreams of living overseas, writing a book in every genre, saving the world, and finishing my Ph.D. so I could do all of the above. He shared with me his desire to have seven children, write a memoir, and see the world. Gradually we came to dream together, as an us, and we fantasized about our life together... from the decor in our first apartment to our dream house, from newlywedded "time alone" to the names of our (much fewer than seven) future children, from weekend trips to international tours, from finishing school to founding our own.

Something about being in love makes everything seem blissfully possible. I am one to put a realistic spin on things pretty quickly, but the whole point of dreaming is to shatter the impossibilities, create best case scenarios, and be willing to put your heart out there enough to believe something can happen, even if it's just in the realm of fantasy. We love our life now like crazy, and feel extraordinarily blessed, but we still dream.

And more than that we take steps to make the important dreams happen... some big, some small. Sometimes the hardest part comes when you're over halfway there, and you realize it's going to be harder than you ever thought. That last stretch before the finish line seems utterly insurmountable, but you keep going because the dream is worth pursuing, and quitting is more impossible. That's when the real dream manifests.

And that's where I am now... so close to finishing I can literally feel it, and so tired of pursuing the same dream with the same hardships and the same emotional stress. I question myself and I curse the day I decided to pursue something so hard. Knowing I can do it is almost worse, because I have no excuse to back out. So I do it. I break down when I need to, but I keep at it. I keep this picture in my head and heart of what it's going to be like when I'm there, and I pause to reflect on how great the journey is now, even when I'm so exhausted I can't think about anything else.

Tonight Eric and I dreamed for fun about taking a year off from our jobs and lives and doing whatever we wanted together. We would become movie/film/food critics, visit all 7 continents, learn how to cook from nuns in Italy, write a screenplay, star in a reality/fiction tv show, and campaign for my shot at the presidency. It feels like such freedom to really fantasize about things that seem crazy but actually aren't that far off from who we are and want to be. And it all felt possible again.

So, I kissed him goodnight and went to my computer. I sat down at 12:30 am and wrote two more pages... simple keystrokes that are bringing me closer and closer to a dream I have held for so long.

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Christmas Movie Favorites

The holiday movies I just LOVE come in at a three way tie: Christmas in Connecticut, White Christmas, and A Christmas Story

Christmas in Connecticut

I love this for so many reasons. Elizabeth Lane writes a column for smart house-keeping as the perfect cook, wife and mother on a Connecticut farm. The trouble is she's a complete phony - she's single, lives in a tiny apartment in NYC, and can't cook to save her life. When her editor invites himself and a war hero to spend Christmas at her farm, she's scrambles to fool him. Barbara Stanwick wins in this role, she's so awesome. Apart from being tremendously entertaining, it's great social commentary on the fragility of 1940s gender expectations, and an example of how women got around them.


Fav. Quote 
Elizabeth: "I'm tired of dancing to someone else's tune, tired of being told whom to marry! In short, I'm tired."

White Christmas

Another favorite since my childhood, thanks in large part to the Haynes Sisters. My sister and I had the song and most of the routine memorized! You can't top Bing Crosby and I love all the dancing.

Fav. Quote
Phil: "In some ways, you're far superior to my cocker spaniel."


A Christmas Story

I know it's a cliche, but it's still hilarious to me. The board game Mall Madness was my Red Rider bebe gun and I looked like Ralphie's brother when I tried to brave the Wyoming winters outside. Makes me laugh as much as the first watch.

Fav. Quote
Narrator: "Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances."

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Gerard Manley Hopkins on Advent

Moonless darkness stands between.
Past, the Past, no more be seen!
But the Bethlehem-star may lead me
To the sight of Him Who freed me
From the self that I have been.
Make me pure, Lord: Thou art holy;
Make me meek, Lord: Thou wert lowly;
Now beginning, and always:
Now begin, on Christmas day. 





Photo Credit: Roger Hutchison 

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Reflecting on Reflection

Thanks to a special Blurb (my favorite book-making and self-publishing company) was running, I found the motivation to create a Blog Book for our other blogs - Musings (my personal blog from 2005 through 2/10) and Feminist Fiancee (our engagement blog). I love digital publishing, but I'm wedded to paper preservation for the really important things.

Reading through all my Musings entries was a trip. I have always been a reflective person (and I have shelves full of completed journals to prove it), and it's always interesting to see what the common themes are. My introspection in the Musings years focused on perseverance, justice, love, identity and faith. And school, of course. I began dating Eric about halfway through, so there's a lot of poetry about falling in love and opening myself up to "us".

The themes are basically the same now, but I have a different perspective on things. I'm a bit more settled in who I am and don't feel the constant restlessness about my identity. In all I haven't changed much, but I reflect differently. Most of my reflections are conversations with Eric. I find it harder to take the time to reflect alone, probably because it feels like work. I like who I am, but I don't always want to face the deeper parts of me. The way I talk to God has also changed, and I'm not sure how to articulate that shift. It's easier to comment on gender equality or relationship issues or teaching moments than it is to expound on my own self-awareness.

When I was 17, I spoke to a woman in her late twenties and explained why I wrote poetry and prose about my life. She said that she used to write "reflective stuff" like I did when she was younger, but now wrote about things like health and world events. I remember thinking that was so crazy, why should she reflect less in her writing as she got older? But I think I understand now--both the positive and not so positive implications of that.


I suppose our reflections ebb and flow with us. I'm glad to have an account of that journey.

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