Dreams and Dreaming

"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing."
--C. S. Lewis


We've had several friends get engaged lately, and it's got me reminiscing about the gift of falling in love, the time when you both figure out you're to be together forever, and the time leading up to making that commitment. I have always been a dreamer and I'm glad my husband is too. In the almost 2 years leading up to our marriage, we shared our dreams and hopes and goals with such wonder and excitement.

I told Eric about my dreams of living overseas, writing a book in every genre, saving the world, and finishing my Ph.D. so I could do all of the above. He shared with me his desire to have seven children, write a memoir, and see the world. Gradually we came to dream together, as an us, and we fantasized about our life together... from the decor in our first apartment to our dream house, from newlywedded "time alone" to the names of our (much fewer than seven) future children, from weekend trips to international tours, from finishing school to founding our own.

Something about being in love makes everything seem blissfully possible. I am one to put a realistic spin on things pretty quickly, but the whole point of dreaming is to shatter the impossibilities, create best case scenarios, and be willing to put your heart out there enough to believe something can happen, even if it's just in the realm of fantasy. We love our life now like crazy, and feel extraordinarily blessed, but we still dream.

And more than that we take steps to make the important dreams happen... some big, some small. Sometimes the hardest part comes when you're over halfway there, and you realize it's going to be harder than you ever thought. That last stretch before the finish line seems utterly insurmountable, but you keep going because the dream is worth pursuing, and quitting is more impossible. That's when the real dream manifests.

And that's where I am now... so close to finishing I can literally feel it, and so tired of pursuing the same dream with the same hardships and the same emotional stress. I question myself and I curse the day I decided to pursue something so hard. Knowing I can do it is almost worse, because I have no excuse to back out. So I do it. I break down when I need to, but I keep at it. I keep this picture in my head and heart of what it's going to be like when I'm there, and I pause to reflect on how great the journey is now, even when I'm so exhausted I can't think about anything else.

Tonight Eric and I dreamed for fun about taking a year off from our jobs and lives and doing whatever we wanted together. We would become movie/film/food critics, visit all 7 continents, learn how to cook from nuns in Italy, write a screenplay, star in a reality/fiction tv show, and campaign for my shot at the presidency. It feels like such freedom to really fantasize about things that seem crazy but actually aren't that far off from who we are and want to be. And it all felt possible again.

So, I kissed him goodnight and went to my computer. I sat down at 12:30 am and wrote two more pages... simple keystrokes that are bringing me closer and closer to a dream I have held for so long.